Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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