I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
