I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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