I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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