Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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