i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
