I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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