Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
