I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
