True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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