she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
