i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
