right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
