operation harelip BJ is a go
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
