When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
They are going to name an STD after you.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
