Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize