i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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