Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
