Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
