I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
