i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
