you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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