i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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