your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
