Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
