It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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