So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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