Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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