i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
