I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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