can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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