I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
