1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
