I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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