I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
