theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
His hands were made for my vagina.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
