I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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