Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
