Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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