just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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