i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
