I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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