Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
