Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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