So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
