You smell like stripper and shame
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
