I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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