the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
