Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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