Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
