Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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