We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
