There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize