I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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