I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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