Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
