I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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