Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
