My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
