My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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