Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
