So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
