Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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