How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
