If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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